to watch a depressed perfectionist make her bed

I imagine how my lazy movements would make my bones look as heavy as they feel. the lazy drag of my eyelids as I fight to keep them open, tears spilling onto the red sheets. the red besides white besides black all meant something once, but now. but now. sleep means something. the steady heavy breaths leaving in and out my nose as if I’m sleeping. my breath passes, for the longest time, I don’t notice, I never notice. and as I shift my mattress back onto its frame my lungs open up and I draw cold air into my warm lungs. the beds not perfect, my minds not perfect, my should not perfect. I except it for now, although it will pick at me whilst I sleep, and taunt me when I wake. but it always does, I can’t remember when it started, I can’t even imagine when it’s going to end.

psych-facts

What are your thoughts about school?

I just don’t understand. We start out being told we can do anything we put our minds to. That we are in control of our future. And then as we grow up, we get responsibilities. And suddenly, everything isn’t possible anymore. We’re then taught that the only way to be socially accepted is to do what we are told to do and maintain an education. Which is oddly a reflection on who you are, like how the color of your skin, the pigment of your eyes, the clothes you wear are all a reflection of who you are. To society. We start out feeling invincible and free. Then we go up in grades, and every thing that we thougt were possible before is now impossible. In fact, we’re told that it was neverpossible the way we were previously told to “succeed” and that if we do it THIS way, we’ll be able to do it. I feel like I’m rambling, what I’m trying to say is school is absolute bullshit. We start out in a race believing we’re going to win, and then we’re told we’re going to be in last place becaue that’s not how you do it anymore. We can’t think freely anymore because our teachers think for us. And when we do think freely, education gets in the way because once again. If you want to succeed, there’s only one way to it. And I should probably shut my mouth because I’m not doing a damn thing about it. I work hard. I have straight A’s, my family’s proud of me. I ask my mom to let me stay home and do unfinished chores so I don’t have to go. It has nothing to do with the people, or the teachers, or the deans and principal, not even how the school operates. But because I spend 6 hours of my life, every week day, inside a building, listening to someone tell me how to think. And I say to myself “I’m not happy.”-“Why am I here?”-“How come this is right, but my heart feels like it’s wrong?” I lost the passion for my dreams, because now, I have to do this, and this, and this to even get halfway there. I’m so fed up and tired. Because I started out believing that if I put my MIND to it. Not my test scores, or my GPA, or how I analyze this and that. My MIND. MY MIND. My heart, and soul. But I’ve been broken down to such fine dust, that I can’t even do that. Those are my thought’s on school.

fruitless conversation

'I just cant sleep' I said

'something on your mind maybe' he asked

'there are a lot of things on my mind… things are always on my mind… only problem is right now, my thoughts are too loud' I answered

'what do you mean 'too loud' he asked confused

I let a breath of air out my nose, a laugh that I couldn’t quite form. as the corner of my lips curved upward. I can try to explain, but darling, you already cannot grasp my words.

broken mind

I think, I think, I think too much. my mind ticking away, through time and through worlds like a Harrison’s clock, losing track as the temperature changes. so many gears so many sizes and shapes take up all the space. leaving nothing to just, forget, to stop thinking. I think, I think, I think too much, for my thoughts question every atom that holds every speck of dust floating through the air, of which I draw into my lungs. every misplaced hair on my head, every tooth in a smile, every truth in my lies, the tears in my eye. something beyond my understanding yet, I do understand that I think, I think, I think too much. with every thought there’s a reason, a reason to smile, to laugh, to to frown, to cry.

the artist

the other day, I met an artist. I walked through the halls of drawings all coming from different hands, with different prints, and different strokes. yet, when I stopped at hers, I knew whos it was before I saw her. she came down the hall, I didn’t even look her in the eye, and I knew. yet, she stopped, she looked me in the eyes. saw me in front of her drawing, she knew, I knew. I asked her what she was, the drawing of course. “she just is.” no more had to be said. I know and understand all too well. at that moment, the drawing, my soul, and hers all became one. I know, she knows, I know there is no color, size, race. we just are.

firebones

spiritualinspiration:

AWAKENING

so tired

im so tired. things will never be perfect in my perfectly screwed up mind. my mind carries more strength than my bones. I fight everyday to make sense of the words that come out your mouth. but I swear, I only have one ear. your speaking to the silent one. the other? all I hear is madness in that one. I suggest you leave your words to my eyes. don’t say a word at all. look into my colorless pools, and ill peer into yours. there we will find our souls, so naked, so clear. but im so tired. the longer my eyes observe the sun, the moon, and all the stars. i will have slept all eternity. if I miss one hour of one second, I will have not slept at all.